“Make Them Eat Steak!” NYC Private School Says ‘Fu*k You to Meatless Monday
New York City; At a private school attended by the children of the city’s elite, the headmistress recently announced that they will not be complying with the newly implemented, mandatory, city-wide “Meatless Monday” initiative.
In a controversial statement released this morning, headmistress Chartrand explained her decision:
“We hold the highest standards for our students, and as such, will not be participating in fad diets. Our all-male student body needs their meat for strong bones and to secure wives when they go to college. You wouldn’t see a gorilla eating a diet of plants and rabbit food.”
The students have mostly been in agreement with the school’s new policy of 87oz of meat with every meal. Poindexter, who asked that we only use his first name, is in grade 12 and shared that he is an overnight boarder at the $747,000 per year prep school. Apart from the smell in the dorms at night, he is happy that he can now eat as many french fries as he wants. “The chef’s used to give us such a hard time about eating greens, but our new headmistresses wants everyone eating a strong man’s diet and now nobody even mentions broccoli anymore.”
Goodbye Meatless Monday
However, not all parents are happy. One mother, Ms. Chambers from Greenwich, CT, said there is not enough transparency, “How do I know the meat is locally sourced from New York City, organic, hormone free, and free-ranging?”
Another parent, who goes by the singular name ‘sunbright,’ said that the new program is great. She assured us that the information behind the decision is well-founded: when she isn’t recharging her crystals in her penthouse on Fifth Ave sanctuary; she spends her free time researching on Google and once read about a possible link between cancer and lentils. She is also fairly certain she saw a YouTube video about asparagus farming and its direct impact on climate change. She fears this may mean the boys won’t be able to go on their annual skiing trip next winter, so really, an initiative to give the boys only ‘good whole red meat,’ and not support the eco-disaster that is vegetable farming, was just being responsible for the earth.
Chad Pembroke was a final student with whom we caught up. Chad explained that he feels that by eating more red meat, he won’t need to feel as guilty anymore. He recently completed grade eleven and recalls reading an article on how ‘plants feel pain,’ and has told his parents that he simply cannot justify eating plants anymore. It makes him anxious that even though there is literally not one shred of evidence about plants feeling pain, he has decided to ‘play it safe’ and only eat chicken and beef from here on out.
“I am so relieved to have the school making such an important decision for me,” said Chad, “By not being forced to eat vegetables and leaves, I can rest easy knowing I’m not causing any harm to the plants.”Chad Pembroke, Previous ‘Forbes Richest Toddlers’ Winner.
Until we have concrete evidence that plants do not feel pain, Chad plans to boycott the local farmers market with several of his peers.
As of today, April Fools, we have not received a conclusive statement as to whether or not the free-ranging cows in New York City are hormone free.
Again, it is April Fools.