STUDY SHOWS THAT PEOPLE WHO ARGUE TOGETHER, STAY TOGETHER

by | August 15, 2018

The author of Crucial Conversations states that the biggest error is not arguing and people who argue together often stay together.

‘Never go to bed angry’ might have some truth in it, Now scientists have found evidence to support the idea that negative emotional memories are harder to reverse after a night’s sleep.

The study, published in the journal Nature Communications, suggests that during sleep, the brain reorganizes the way negative memories are stored, making these associations harder to suppress in the future.

So does this mean couples should argue together?

“In our opinion, yes, there is certain merit in this age-old advice,” said Yunzhe Liu, who led the research at Beijing Normal University and is now based at University College London. “We would suggest to first resolve argument before going to bed; don’t sleep on your anger.”

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Yet, how do you get over that anger, if all you want to do is scream that what they’re doing is driving you around the bend and up the walls? No one feels like holding hands and reminiscing about happier times when you’d rather throw a shoe at their head. Apparently, the answer is to argue together.

A recent survey of over a thousand couples found that not discussing what the gripe is, and arguing about it are avoiding resolving their issues, believing that avoiding the argument is better for their relationship in the long run, according to Joseph Grenny, the co-author of the NYT bestseller Crucial Conversations.

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“But the biggest mistake that couples make is avoidance,” he said. “We feel something but say nothing. At least until we can’t stand it anymore. So we wait until we are certain to discuss it poorly before we bring it up. We tend to avoid these conversations because we are conscious of the risks of speaking up, but unconscious of the risks of not speaking up,” he said.

argue together

Out of the study, a full 50% of the couples said that lack of communication was the base of why they failed as a couple.

“The biggest unconscious mistake couples make is failing to take emotional responsibility for their feelings,” he said. “We think others are ‘making’ us feel the way we are – and fail to see our role in our own emotions. That’s why when we discuss our concerns with our loved one we are so often filled with blame and provoke defensiveness.”

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The next time that you’re fuming about the washing being left in the machine, or the kids being riled up before bed, sit your partner down, argue together, and tell them exactly what is on your mind. Your relationship depends on it.

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One Response to “STUDY SHOWS THAT PEOPLE WHO ARGUE TOGETHER, STAY TOGETHER”

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