5 Pregnancy Realities Nobody Tells You About
Have you ever seen those lucky pregnant women who just float past you with their glowing shimmery skin and perfectly shaped bumps? How do they get away with pregnancy realities?
Did you buy into the farce that being pregnant would make you this radiant orb of maternal beauty and bliss who sings Disney Princess songs all day long?
Yeah, I fell for it too. It was a rude awakening when I realized that it was all a load of c**p. I wasn’t glowing, it was melasma.
Here is a list of pregnancy realities I wish I had known.
1. Morning Sickness
I don’t know about you, but I didn’t have morning sickness. Lucky me right? WRONG!! I had all F***ing-Day Sickness.
It never ended. From the moment I woke up until the time I went to bed, even in the middle of the night, I was nauseous or vomiting.
I was sick when I ate and sick when I was hungry. Every car ride consisted of at least two pullovers to hurl on the side of the road and concluded with a mad dash up the stairs to the bathroom to yak again.
The smell of foods that I used to love turned my stomach (being a waitress at the time, this was really tough one). I actually found one thing that helped ease my queasiness, sniffing lemons.
I walked around with a bag of lemons in my purse for nine months, it was really fun when I’d find the odd one shriveled into a black rock at the bottom of my bag, just one of the great pregnancy realities most people have to deal with.
2. Hemorrhoids
Did you ever wonder why witch hazel pads were called tucks? I’ll tell you, it’s because you’re going to use them to tuck little lumpy squishy pieces of skin back up inside your anus.
They literally could not be named more appropriately. What causes these fleshy grape-like butt tassels? Prenatal vitamins do, more accurately it’s the extra iron in them.
Your doctor may politely warn you that they may cause slight constipation. Well, I call B.S. on that one. Going to the bathroom when I was pregnant was traumatic. I think I pooped once a week and it was so painful that I cried before, during, and after.
3. Shiney hair (on your nipples)
Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair… Everyone says that pregnant women get such shiny healthy-looking hair, and I couldn’t wait to have long golden locks that shimmered.
Nope! As the pretty blonde hair on my head was falling out by the handful, my chin, neck, belly, and nipples were sprouting fabulous course dark toupes.
This was one of the pregnancy realities I could have lived without. Pregnancy hormones are the cause of this follicle foul-up.
Don’t worry too much though as it will get better after you give birth, and by better, I mean, that to this day (5 years later) I still have to shave my neck, my back, my… You get the gist.
4. Glowing skin, that’ll be the melasma.
Have you ever seen a pregnant woman who is positively glowing? A radiance exuded from her face. That was me, well it wasn’t exactly a radiant glow, more like brown and red patches on my cheeks and chin.
I had melasma and I walked around looking like someone had slapped me. I was also part human part snake. My cheeks would sometimes develop scales.
Okay, they weren’t actually scales, it was dry skin caused by the melasma, also known as “pregnancy mask”, it wasn’t pretty.
5. Swollen genitals.
With all the extra fluids your body makes, you may find that you’ve suddenly got a vagina that resembles two purple Twinkies.
Apparently, it’s completely normal but let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Now would be the time to be thankful that you can’t see below your bump.
It can feel like you’ve got a bowling ball in between your legs. I recommend getting one of those donut pillow things, but, you’ve probably bought one for the hemorrhoids.
Have you had many gross or annoying pregnancy symptoms? Let us know in the comments below.
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