Things You’ll Never Do Again After Kids Enter Your Life

I don’t mean to scare you but there are a dozen things you’ll never do again after kids enter your household kingdom. But don’t worry, the joy of parenting would fill the gap for you.

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Things You’ll Never Do Again After Kids

Do you remember when you used to be able to stay out all night drinking and spend the next day hungover, eating pizza in bed? The days where you could be a selfish bi**h and didn’t have to share your chocolate. Well, those days are long gone for me. Now I have this thing called responsibilities, and it comes along with a side-dish of no personal space or privacy. Here are the four things I grieve from back in my pre-busted vagina days- things you’ll never do again after kids enter your life!

Pee in Peace

I actually cannot remember the last time I peed or pooped in peace. Every time I even head in the direction of the bathroom, she comes barreling at me as if I’m standing at the front door, never to return again. Just the other day as I was on the pot, she’s standing right in front of me, holding her nose, refusing to leave. You’d think that she might want to get some fresh air, but nooooooo. I asked her to please give me some privacy, but that was too much to ask as she’d “just miss me too much.” I have been known to lock myself in the bathroom with a glass of wine occasionally. I’ll sit on the side of the bath sipping my wine while staring at the tiny fingers slide under the door.

Be Naked

Gone are the days when I could prance around the house in my birthday suit. Now every time my kid sees me naked, she loves to make some innocent yet cutting remark about my body. Like the time she stood in front of me, pointed at my vajayjay and let out a horrifying blood-curdling scream, “Mommy, you have spiders on your bagina.” Okay so I’ll admit, maybe my vag wasn’t looking her best that day, but Jesus kid. Or the time she patted my tummy and looked up lovingly at me “Mommy, I just love your belly, it’s so squishy.” I’m not even going to tell you what she said about my boobs because I’m actually trying to block that sh*t out.

Have Sex

Okay so you’ll still get to have sex, but it’s not going to be a furniture-breaking-scream-so-loud-your-neighbor-calls-the-police bonk session. From now on, you’ll be getting it on with one pillow wedged behind the headboard and another over your face while your partner thrusts as quietly and quickly as he can, all the while you’re lying there thinking “if this mother-f****r wakes the baby, he’s DEAD.” Whoever said “romance is dead” obviously has a couple of little c**k-blockers of their own.

Sleep In

You will NEVER sleep in again, EVER. My kids wake up at the a**-crack of dawn, every damn day. I don’t think I’ve slept past 7 am in about (how old is my eldest again?) fifteen exhausting years. Even when they go away to Grandma’s, my internal alarm clock wakes me up at 5am, and there’s not a hope in hell of ever falling back to sleep. You won’t ever take another nap either. Every time you close your eyes for anything longer than a blink you’ll feel little fingers prying them back open. Ugh, I’m tired and cranky.

I love my kids more than anything else in the entire world, and every day I know how lucky I am to have these tiny humans in my life. With that said, we all need a little rant every now and then, and I like to add a dash of humor into mine, because some days if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.