Credits: Dean Drobot/ Shutter-stock

Periods suck and I’m bitter as f***. I Hate Periods! A Tired Woman’s Rant!

by | December 3, 2018

I get twenty-five “good” days a month, and by good, I mean that I just about manage to get things done. The other five days, I’m like a walking crime-scene. I gain ten pounds of water weight that makes me look about eighteen months pregnant, bleed through every pair of knickers I own and lose ninety percent of my brain function. I Hate Periods! All of this so that I can have another baby if I want to. Well, I don’t want to, so please, menopause, let’s be having you.

By July Prokopiv/shutterstock

Men have it so easy and I’m bitter as f***. They don’t have to deal with the cramps, the bloating, the tears, the ruined clothes etc. All they have to do is get a hard-on, bang someone and hey presto, baby-daddy. Meanwhile, we’re over here popping eggs and shedding pints of unused organ lining out of our vagina.


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i hate periods
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I Hate Periods!

I have two period tracker apps on my phone, they’re not on there so I can keep track of my fertility or to panic over a missed period. They’re there so that I have a fair warning of when the s*** is going to hit the fan. I use them for scheduling purposes – You’re invited to Sally’s birthday on December 29th…..checks period tracker number one, oh can’t go, I’ll be hemorrhaging. Checks period tracker number two just in case it gives me an extra day, nope still due on the 28th, f***.

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To make things worse, like some sick and twisted, cruel joke, those five days also happen to be when I really want to get down and dirty. It’s like the sex part of my brain is saying, go girl, get in there, this is the safe zone, you can f*** your brains out for the next five days and not worry about getting knocked up. Well, I don’t know about you, but there doesn’t seem to be too many men out there who enjoy a bit of crime-scene sex. Mother nature you cruel woman!! This makes me say it again, I Hate Periods!

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So here I am, wrapped up in a blanket on my couch, ten chocolate bars deep, stressing about what dress can I wear to my Christmas party tonight that won’t make me look like a pregnant naked mole rat stuffed into a condom. I actually can’t wait to go, they’ll be dancing, drinking and laughter, then probably leakage, tears and a sad taxi ride home. Yay, happy holidays.

The struggle is real. I Hate Periods, Intensely!



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Julie Nealon

Associate Editor, USA | Contactable via Julie@raisevegan.com

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